It’s funny how tenacious our enemy is. Just when you think everything’s going great and that you’ve conquered all of your demons and are solidly walking in the Spirit, a wrench invariably pops up.
Two days ago a wrench appeared in the form of a man from my past writing to me out of the blue. He was just reaching out for answers from years past, and wondering if things could have ended up differently, but just the fact that he contacted me brought up that time, and my head began to fill up with memories that tugged on my heart. Not that I am seriously second guessing my choices in life for even a moment, but that does not mean that I am completely unaffected by the resurfacing of the thoughts and feelings that arose. So invariably questions popped up. Am I really content in this life? Is there any part of me that desires the attention, affection and love of a man more than that of the Lord? How susceptible am I to getting caught up emotionally if someone comes along that treats me a certain way? How do I guard my heart?
I have to admit I was surprised by the affect the conversation had on me. I thought I was content and past struggling with certain longings, having conquered them if you will, but I’ve come to realize that while we have the victory, we never get to a point in our lives where there is no possibility of ever being tempted in certain areas again. I am still me. I still have the same desires deep down, the same tendencies, and while I have traded most of my desires for the Lord’s, some basic ones are still there and I believe that He has allowed them to be for a reason. Of course, I desire to have someone to share my life with while here on earth. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life having to leave people and it would be so nice to have someone I never had to leave, never had to walk away from, or see them have to walk away from me. But that is not the real issue here, the real issue is: where, or what, is my home?
My home is, and always will be, with my Savior. This world with all its beauty will never be my home. My home will never be a place or another human being. I have found where I belong, and it is in the presence of my Lord; nothing this world has to offer me, including the love and companionship of a life mate, will ever compare to or change that. There’s a song that I have long enjoyed that has particularly been the cry of my heart this week:
Your presence is all I am longing for, here in the secret place
Your nearness is all I am waiting for, here in the quiet place
My soul waits for you alone, like a watchman waits for dawn
Here I finally found a place, where we’ll meet Lord face to face
I finally found where I belong
I finally found where I belong, in Your presence
I finally found where I belong, just to be with You
I am my beloved’s and He is mine, so come into Your garden and take delight in me
Delight in me
Here in Your presence God I find my rest
I finally found where I belong
I finally found where I belong, in Your presence
I finally found where I belong, just to be with You
Just to be with You
This is me. I have been wrecked for the ordinary and wouldn’t change it for anything. There is nowhere else I’d rather be than in His presence, no one else I’d rather be than truly His.
Prayer requests:
– Preparing for my open house this Saturday, that the Lord’s words would go out and He would move in the hearts of those He’s calling to give
– For my pastor who lost a dear friend this week
(pics – Top: Michael and Laura Middle top: My squadmate Trena soaking in the Lord’s presence Middle bottom: Squadmates Trena, Liz and many others worshipping at Project Searchlight Bottom left: Me in Nicaragua Bottom right: My squadmate Ada doing what she does with every fiber of her being, worshipping and basking in the Lord’s presence (The bottom three pics taken by my amazing photographer squadmate Justin Marshall))
