Why I spent 13 days screaming
A few days ago, I returned from visiting Italy for the first time. It was a wonderful, eye-opening trip. I have been to many different nations, yet never have I looked at one with the mindset of longevity, and it was a different kind of experience for me. So much different, so much harder, and so much more soul shattering than I was expecting.
Going into this trip I thought I had prepared myself for the spiritual state/environment of the country. I prayed about it, researched statistics, and found out everything I could about what other missionaries had encountered. A beautiful, vibrant exterior and a hopeless desperation on the inside, that’s what I was expecting, and while it isn’t entirely untrue, I was unprepared to actually see the dirt, squalor, and deadness of the nation. Italy is a beautiful country, stunning even, but it is not all the villas of Tuscany or the rugged beauty of the Amalfi coast. Graffiti covers the walls of the major railways, trash is strewn down the side of some of those beautiful hilltops, and in the cities the homeless sit on the side of the street with their money cups just like anywhere else. It is just like any other nation, with both a good and not so good side, and I am embarrassed to say that I was in shock the first few days at encountering the contrast so blatantly.
The good news about having such a strong reaction to the physicality of the country, was that it prepared me for my other expectations to be wrong as well, which most of them were. Before I left for the trip I discovered that Catholicism has declined in the country dramatically in the last few years, and that in the north many have abandoned religion altogether. However, I also knew that all of the festivals were still celebrated, most revolving around saints, so I still expected a general feeling of the religious to the country. That is not at all what I encountered. While there are some parts of Italy where you will see shrines to Mary and different saints when you enter a home or building, I did not see that in at least 70% of the places I visited. Regardless of it’s amazing Cathedrals and renown Biblical art, this is a country that feels like God is not there. I have never felt as alone as a Christian in my life. Never been anywhere that felt as devoid of His presence, never felt like I was the only one who knew Him to the point that I wanted to scream, “is there anyone else here who loves Jesus?!” I even reached the point where I was excited when I actually saw a nun (I only saw maybe three the entire trip), because at least I could talk about God with them, even if we had very different perspectives on Him. You can see why the trip was much harder than expected, lol.
So, my expectation of the look of the country was different, my expectation of the feel of the country was different, and my expectation of this trip itself turned out to be different. I think because I knew I was only going for a short time, and mostly just to visit language schools, I was unprepared for the spiritual attack that I received. One night, about ¾ of the way through my trip, I woke up at 3 am to the most horrible feeling of shame and misery which I could not shake. Being at a hostel, I didn’t really have the option of calling anyone, or even crying out to God, so I went and hid myself in the bathroom to pray and cry, and email a few people asking for prayer and help. I spent two hours there praying before I was able to get up and go back to bed, then spent the entire next day reading my Bible, praying and worshiping to fight this attack. I have been attacked before, strongly, but this was different. This was heavy. That entire day, the second I stopped praying, reading the Word or worshiping, the crippling wave of shame, misery and unworthiness rushed over me again. The Lord held it at bay, but it wasn’t until I left that place the next day that it went away entirely.
I have to admit that it scared me. It scared me because they were all feelings that I have felt before… inadequacy, weakness, failure; those words don’t even convey the depth of the thoughts and feelings the enemy flooded me with. It was like being crushed under the weight of every weakness I have or have ever had. We have heard many times that you can be your own worst enemy, and I think for Christians that can be so true, because we know our worst and so does the enemy, and when he brings it up we don’t think we can deny it. We believe the lies, because we think it is realistic and mature to acknowledge that yes, I am sometimes like that, or yes, I did that, it’s true. But firstly, acknowledging that we have done something does not mean we are what Satan is accusing us of being, and secondly, what does God say? “The God, who gives life to the dead… and calls things that are not as though they were (Rom. 4:17),” He says that we are more than conquerors (Rom. 8:37), that we have been made alive through Christ and raised with Him (Col. 3:1), that we are heirs (Tit. 3:7) and that we are called to fellowship with Jesus Christ our Lord (1 Cor. 1:9). So it may seem that we are all of those things the enemy is accusing us of being, but God says we aren’t. Our God says that we are chosen, “In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will,” Eph. 1:11, and again, “For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you,” 1 Thess. 1:4. He also says repeatedly in Scripture that He has formed us with His own hands (Ps. 103:14, Ps. 119:73, Isaiah 43:7 & 21, 44:2 & 24, etc…).
God is so faithful. He overcame and the rest of my trip was amazing. I even met two other missionaries my last day in Florence! I know He allowed me to go through that, and to experience the feeling of utter aloneness to show me what it is like for the believers who live there. It is so easy to feel like you are it, you are the only light in this entire nation, but just like a wonderful lady reminded me the other day, remember what God said to Elijah when he thought he was the only one left, “I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and all whose mouths have not kissed him,” 1 Kings 19:18. There is always a remnant.
P.S I LOVE the people and can’t wait to get back! Also, more of the details regarding the language schools themselves will be in my newsletter, which will be finished within the week.
Pics: 1. Perugia city view 2. Italian youth hanging out on a graffiti-covered wall in Salerno 3.Trash strewn down the side of a hill near Acerno 4. One of the statues on the Duomo in Florence 5. Statues decorated for a festival celebrating the patron saint of Salerno 6. A med-evil building in Florence 7. The first protestant church I saw in Italy (Lutheran) 8. My friend Vincenzo and his wonderful sweet grandmother
