Confessions of An Imperfect Missionary
My mother and I have very different points of view. As with most people, differences of opinion range all over the place, but we seem most consistently at odds in regards to driving. She loves to take the back roads, especially on our way home from various places in town, while I will always choose the highway. This is such a small thing, yet it seems to be such a big deal to both of us. There are a few surface reasons why, but the Lord has recently shown me that on my end there are deeper things as well. There is a rushed sense in my spirit… I just want to hurry up and get to my destination.
How often as Americans do we feel that way? One of the first things stressed in any sort of missions training is to be prepared for the slow, leisurely nature of many foreign cultures. Why? Because our culture is very time conscience. Is this wrong? Of course not. However, just like with anything, it can easily dictate our actions and affect our choices. For example: Let’s say a missionary knows that she is called to the field and has been for years. After much growth, the Lord is finally sending her full-time. Of course she wants to get there as soon as possible. If you are called, then just go right? Get out your contact list, write some letters, visit some people, and make it happen… but what if she can’t? What if this is a marathon and not a sprint? What if the Lord does not plan on sending her in the time table that she decided was reasonable? What if she is powerless to make anything happen?
Two days ago, the Lord smacked me in the face with this. I have been putting so much pressure on myself to do all of the “right things”, and in turn feeling like a failure because this is impossible. If things are moving slower than I think they should, I get antsy and start feeling like I must have messed up somehow. How arrogant! That something I did or didn’t do could possibly derail our God from His plan is ludicrous, yet I believe it so easily. And this is a common struggle with missionaries both on and off the field. Things often happen much slower, or much differently than we expect; especially for those in the business of planting the seeds that others end up reaping. I know most missionaries seem so secure in who they are and what they are called to do– and the Lord has usually taken them through the hottest fires to get to that point– but everyone struggles with this, and we are just like everyone else. There is nothing in a missionary that is special. In fact, as 1 Cor. 1 says, “God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” We are often the weakest in the world, which God takes and transforms by HIS power. “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God, and not from us.” 2 Cor. 4:7.
Please keep me in your prayers. It appears that this will be a slower process than I had thought (it looks like it’s going to be fall at the earliest, and possibly as late as next spring), and although I had wanted things to move faster, I believe this is going to be a great thing. The Lord has told me to rest my hurried spirit and take things one step at a time, which has given me a profound sense of relief. I didn’t realize how much I have yearned to have this burden lifted off of my shoulders, even if it was of my own making. And I am so thankful that our God, in His incredible wisdom and grace, is giving me the opportunity to build real relationships and an amazing support system here, as well as the opportunity to be a blessing in turn, which I might not have had otherwise. Thank you for being patient with me and lifting me up in prayer as I stumble around a bit and delve into new levels of trusting in the Lord!
